Wednesday, May 30, 2007


I had been doing well for the last few weeks. I've had a lot of changes and I felt like I was on top of everything. I've neglected to mention that I have a girlfriend, and I guess that's a pretty crucial detail to bring up. She's awesome, and I told her about my SSA and she seems cool with it. Lately however, all I feel is fear. I fear that she doesn't fully understand what she's gotten into. I fear that I am not getting the emotional connection that I've needed with guys. I'm just scared of everything right now. It's so weird.

Anyway, I don't want to date a guy, but I really need more of a connection with some. Does anyone have any ideas on how to fulfill that need without making drastic changes? Man, I just need a big hug right now.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The silence is over

So, I have had a lot of time to do some soul-searching lately. It pisses me off how I can make such a decision, and then I find myself having to make the decision over and over again every day. In this case the decision is to not act on my SSA. I just wish these feeling would diminish, but they aren't. Anyway, I guess that's something that many of you relate to and I take comfort in the fact that I am not alone.

I just got an email from Hidden who mentioned that I haven't written in a while, and I realized that I haven't because I feel like I have had nothing positive to contribute...but it just occurred to me that my blog will be more effective if I share my thoughts, even when I am having a hard time. So I am going to make an effor to do better, and thank you to those of you who keep up on my blog and comment. I love having you as friends, even if we can't meet in person at this time.

I just finished watching the movie Rock Hudson. I had never heard anything about the dude...he was a famous and handsome actor who was known for his good looks and romantic films. After a failed marriage he later died of AIDS and it became public that he had spent his whole life as a closeted homosexual. The film was really good and I recommend it to you all, but at the same time it just made me angry. I'm angry because I am closeted I don't want to be, but there is no way out. The consequences of coming out would be worse than living in it. Ultimately, I really do want to be a temple-worthy member of the church. I believe it and I want a stronger testimony. I just feel like I am stuck in giant, intricate puzzle and if there is a way out, it is much more complicated and limited than some people assume. For me, the answer is not to just jump out of the closet and start calling everyone and telling them I struggle with SSA. I wish I was like that but I am too analytic and I can think too far ahead to know that I will probably regret it. For me, coming out is like getting a will be awesome for a little bit and I am really tempted to just make myself do it, but I know that I will end up wishing I had more foresight and there will be no way to take it back.

For example, I want to get married, badly. I believe that if I can pull myself together, then I have what it takes to really make a marriage work, have a family, etc...
I also know that if I come out, it will be much much harder for my future wife and family, and I would rather have this be something that I deal with and my wife knows about, but the whole world doesn't know about it.

Okay, that's all for now. Long story short, I am just having a rough few weeks and I know darn well that the answer is NOT a same-sex relationship, but everything sucks right now.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Deus ex machina

"Deus ex machina" is an interesting concept...

It means "God from a machine."

The term comes from Greek and Roman theater, and refers to a hopeless situation in a tangled plot where a god would be hoisted down onto the stage to settle an otherwise insoluble situation.

Really, I think that this is something that many SSA individuals in the LDS church are waiting for....albeit in different ways. Some are waiting for the church to drastically change its stance on homosexual marriage and relationships. Some are hoping for all their desires to simultaneously be fulfilled - they want to be fully active in the church, but also have the emotional satisfaction of a same gender relationship (even if non-sexual). Some are feeling torn apart by two opposing forces, and hope that suddenly one of the two will be wished away - either their desire to stay in the church, or their same gender attraction. Finally, and most unfortunately, some are hoping to die as a way to escape their inner trauma.

I love the idea of deus ex machina...something that will heroically come onto the stage of my life and make all of my problems disappear. I really do believe that this does exist if we want it to, and that it is Jesus Christ. The problem is that our priorities are so freaking mixed up sometimes. Deep down inside, we want Jesus to tell us that we are perfect the way we are. We want Him to come down and vindicate our actions, and to feel sorry for us, and to tell us that our desires are all justified. Basically, we want Jesus to be our deus ex machina in exactly the way that would be most comfortable for us.

Basically, to me that would be like wanting to play a sport well, but you don't have the true dedication that it takes to be criticized by a just can't handle it. You want the coach to tell you that you are SO talented naturally, and that you are the most skillful person on the team. You want the coach to compliment you on every part of your game and to tell you that you are just brilliant. You would get upset if he told you that you sucked sometimes, and that you need to work harder, and that you might not be as good as some of the other people on the team.

I don't mean this post to sound negative at all because I am feeling so optimistic lately. Really, things have been going great and I am in love with life again. However, sometimes it annoys me at how selfish we (SSA-ers) can really be. We LOVE to victimize ourselves and to tell ourselves OVER AND OVER again that we are heroes. That NOBODY understands us. That we are better than other people because we struggle. Because we can't get married. Because we don't always feel welcome in church. Because nobody understands us.

Well you know what, I am sick of it. I am sick of us thinking that we deserve special treatment, and ESPECIALLY that we are an exception to the commandments. Either you believe in the church, or you don't. If you believe in it, that doesn't mean you need to be perfect. I sure has hell don't want to be friends with you if you are. Rather, it just mean that you should ADMIT when you are doing something wrong, and don't blame the church for the pain that it causes you when you disobey. If you don't believe the church, FINE. I don't condemn you, Jesus wouldn't condemn you, but just go your merry way and live your life how you will be happy. That is a central purpose of our life.

If you believe in the church and you try to follow it, then of course you will make mistakes. I make mistakes, I have doubts. That is normal. But that doesn't mean that you should think you are special or better than everyone else, or more deserving of sin because of your temptations.

There are lots of people we could feel sorry for. You know, I feel bad for handicapped people in the church. I feel bad for Iraqi war veterans that lost a couple of limbs. Do you think life will be easy for them? Do you think they are better than everyone else and they can sin because the church just doesn't get it? Just because we are SSA it doesn't mean we are special, and it certainly doesn't mean that God will just lower his expectations.

Basically, I want everyone to be happy and to live their life how they want. CHOOSE what you want out of life and then pursue the heck out of it. In 1 Corinthians 9:24, Paul says, "Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain."

Life is hard, but I have made my choice and I am running toward my goal. I hope that those of you who are confused can do the same. There is a deus ex machina out there if you choose to accept Him. But you have to accept Him on His terms, not yours. It's not for everyone, but I hope that as many of you as possible decide to follow Jesus according to His teachings in the LDS church. Of course it is hard, it is meant to be. Don't let Satan trick you into thinking that the church is irrelevant to you. We need this church BECAUSE of our imperfections and our weaknesses and our trials...whatever they may be.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Reality Check

I have had such an intense week. I was able to spend a whole day at the temple last week and I couldn't bring myself to leave because I had been preparing myself for so long to be spiritually ready to go again. I hadn't been for a while. You know, I am so in love with the church, with God and Jesus Christ, and with life. I don't know why I am so blessed to deal with SSA but you know what, it is my biggest blessing. It has helped mold me into the man that I am (and am becoming) and I would be so weak without it. I want to shout for hallelujah when I hear the following words of Paul (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)
7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
Finally, I just want to share a scripture that I came across yesterday and it gave me a giant reality check, for which I am most grateful. (Helaman 13:38)
38 But behold, your days of probation are past; ye have procrastinated the day of your salvation until it is everlastingly too late, and your destruction is made sure; yea, for ye have sought all the days of your lives for that which ye could not obtain; and ye have sought for happiness in doing iniquity, which thing is contrary to the nature of that righteousness which is in our great and Eternal Head.
I don't want that to be me. Can I repeat that? I DON'T want that to be me. I truly believe that this church is true and I believe that we will be blessed for keeping the commandments. When all is said and done, the only lasting happiness comes from following Christ in the manner that He has given us, even if it doesn't fully make sense now.
Thank you to all of you for your support. You really are like guardian angels sent from God and by miracle I have been kept on the right path. Let's continue to be support each other and stay true to our covenants, whatever the cost.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Bad Friends

For absolutely no reason other than my inner chemistry, I have felt somewhat lonely lately.

However, this has been seriously compounded by the fact that the people with whom I associate are so unreliable.

Have you ever realized that having a broken clock is worse than having NO clock? A broken clock totally messes you up. This is how I am feeling about a lot of the friends I have chosen. They are great people, I love them, and I care for them. I am sure they would say the same thing about me. But seriously I guess I am just sick of flaky friends. I have decided that I need to find more reliable people to be with. I mean, I don't think I am creating unrealistic expectations to expect friends to respond to emails, return phone calls, or just be consistent in the friendship and not cancel out on committements at the last second.

I do not suffer from any psychological problems, as far as I know. So I am definitely not paranoid, or obsessive compulsive, or depressive. In fact, I am reliable, loyal, creative, optimistic, and caring.
...either the problem is that I am giving myself way to much credit or I have selected poor friends.

I found a cool website that uses teachings of Buddhism to talk about the difference between good and bad friends. You might find it interesting.

Here are some interesting points it brings up about Bad friends...

1. The first bad friend, who takes anything, has four characteristics: (1) taking everything from you, (2) Wanting a lot for very little (or wanting much in return for giving only a little), (3) doing service only when he gets into trouble, and (4) seeking only his own advantage.

2. The second bad friend, who is a great talker, has also four characteristics: (1) talking of favours in the past, (2) talking of favours in the future, (3) trying to please you with empty promises or mouthing empty promises of goodwill, and (4) pleading inability owing to some disaster when something needs to be done in the present.

3. The third bad friend, who flatters, has also four characteristics: (1) agreeing to the bad actions of you, (2) also, agreeing to the good actions of you, (3) praising you in your presence, (4) disparaging you behind your back.

4. The fourth bad friend, who is a fellow-spendthrift or who debauches, also has four characteristics: (1) being a companion when indulging in strong drink, (2) being a companion when haunting the streets at unfitting times, (3) being a companion when frequenting shows and entertainments, and (4) being a companion when indulging in gambling.

In contrast to that, this is what it has to say about good friends...

1. The first good friend, who is helpful, has four characteristics: (1) looking for you when you are drunk, (2) looking for your possessions when you are drunk, (3) being a refuge for you are in trouble, and (4) leting you have twice what you ask for when some business is to be done.

2. The second good friend, who is the same in happy and unhappy times, has four characteristics: (1) telling you his secrets, (2) keeping your secrets, (3) not forsaking you when you are in trouble, and (4) sacrificing even his life for you.

3. The third good friend, who points out what is good for you, has four characteristics: (1) keeping you from wrongdoing, [it means "restraining you from doing the ten unwholesome courses of action: killing, stealing, sexual misconduct, telling lies, slandering, harsh speech, frivolous talk, covetousness, ill will, and wrong view"], (2) supporting you in doing good, [it means "encouraging you to do the ten courses of wholesome Kamma(= no-killing, no-stealing, no-sexual misconcduct, no-teling lies, no-slandering, no-harsh speech, no-frivolous talk or reasonable talk, no-covetousness, no-ill will, and right view), to give offerings, to take five precepts, and to practice meditation"], (3) informing you of what you do not know, and (4) pointing out the path to heaven.

4. The fourth good friend, who is sympathetic, has four characteristics: (1) not rejoicing at your misfortune, (2) rejoicing at your good fortune, (3) stopping others who speak against you, and (4) commending others who speak in praise of you.

The Buddha said, "You should cultivate and follow a friend who is endowed with seven characteristics: (1) genial, (2) venerable or respetable, (3) praise-worthy, (4) clever in speech, (5) obedient or willing to do what others bid, (6) profound in speech, and (7) not encouraging others to do evil."

In closing, I just want to remind myself and any others that I am not a perfect friend by any means. Surely there are people out there who have a long list of grievances against me and my shortcomings. Regardless, I hope that if I died today that people would remember me as not only a caring and compassionate friend, but a fun one as well.

I have no idea what the heck is going on with me and I feel so deserted right now, but I would sure love to make some better friends. I think I'm going to start working on that...starting with becoming a more desirable friend in the first place. I think all of us just want to hang out with people who want to be with us and we want to be with them. I am imagining that is what a good marriage is like, and I can't wait to achieve that someday. In the meantime, I'm not looking for a boyfriend but is it really too unrealistic to find close and quality friends?

Thanks for listening today.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Subconscious Thoughts and Hugs

It's been a few days and it's time for a post. I've really appreciated all of the other blogs that I have found and I really do draw inspiration from all of them.

Over the last few weeks, I have started thinking more and more about what I think about. In fact, it's made me realize how throughout my whole life my actions have been guided by my inner desires, without me recognizing it. It's affected where I choose to be, who I choose to be friends with, what I act like. Nearly everything.

In fact, this has been a scary realization because as I gain control over my thoughts, I ultimately gain more control over my actions. I mean, 2 years ago I might have become friends with a dude because I thought he was attractive and fun, and I wanted to be around him more. Suddenly I catch myself before my thoughts translate into action, especially when it is motivated by SSA, and I think, "okay, do I really want to carry through with this action (or behavior) because I am ONLY doing it out of innate desire for something.

Now, I'm not suggesting that there is something wrong with being driven by our innate desires, as long as we keep it in control. I mean, let's be realistic. EVERYONE deals with this problem. I overheard a group of dudes talking the other day, and one of them said, "Let's face it, I go to church not only because I believe in the church, but MOSTLY to see hot chicks. It's true."

At first, that statement might seem shocking and inappropriate, but I believe its true. If we think more about our thoughts we might be scared (as I have been) to realize how easily they translate into action, subconsciously.

I guess thinking about my thoughts has just complicated things a bit for me, but I think it's a positive step. I just have to now make a conscious decision to be guided by my SSA sometimes, whereas before I just was, and I was repressing it.

Finally, I added on this video on the Free Hugs campaign because I think it is really cool. For me, human touch is powerful, and I need it. The picture at the top of this blog is some Israeli soldiers embracing each other. I think the photo is really touching. When you realize how precious life is, that is when you really learn what matters to you personally. I really like hugs in general, especially hugging someone that I really care for. Also, I don't necessarily mean with guys, and I don't necessarily mean romantic hugs. I just like that feeling of knowing that someone is standing there with you, embracing you, and showing you in the nearly the most intimate way possible that they care about you. Isn't that what most of us want?

Stay tuned.

Human Touch

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Ugly Sweaters and the Devil's Circle

So, I found this website today and it's freaking awesome. It's this girl modeling all these different types of sweaters and they all have names. My favorite is "queen of the ocean."
Where am I going with this...oh yeah, nowhere.

Anyway, today was kind of tragic for me. Everyone likes to know that somebody has a crush on them, I mean, it feels good to know that you are attractive enough, or have a great enough personality or testimony, or whatever, that someone is drawn to you. I think it's easier to avoid having people like you, though, at least it is for me...especially as someone dealing with SSA. It always causes issues when girls like me, then I act all weird because I don't usually like them back, and then it's disaster.

The problem even goes deeper than that...and I think this is something that most guys in my situation would understand. I feel the urge to be closer to people...whether guys or girls (and often especially guys) No one knows this because I am super outgoing and friendly, no one would suspect that I often feel lonely. The problem is that if I start becoming good friends with a girl, then she thinks I like her. Or, if I make it clear that I don't like her but I still want to be close, then she is either weirded out, or other people are. I feel like it's a total catch 22.

Moreover, I have similar problems with guys. I love hanging out with guys, whether I am attracted to them or not. It's just easier for me because you avoid all the awkward issues that I mentioned above. However, with a guy I always get frustrated and then separate myself. This is either because:
1) I am attracted to him and get scared
2) I get frustrated that he doesn't get close to me the way I want (not romantically, but most of you get what I mean)
3) I get scared off because I feel like its not socially acceptable to hang out with guys all the time
4) I get scared off because I'm afraid that people will suspect I'm attracted to guys (similar to 3, but not the same for me)

Anyway, like I said, its a catch 22...or a "devils circle" (teufelskreis) as the Germans call it. (I want so badly to learn German, by the way) It just frustrates me because I just want close friends, that doesn't have to mean that I am looking for a physical relationship because 97 percent of me is not. (there's just that 3 percent that I'm constantly trying to suppress)

Then to make it all worse, girls like me. So I get all weirded out and then people think I'm weird. Seriously, it's amazing that I have managed to function so normally in society for my whole life and get away with it. There's a whole lot to me that doesn't always meet the eye...but I guess it's probably like that for everyone.

Who am I to claim exceptional status?

Monday, February 5, 2007

Things fall apart...

As I sit thinking back on my day I am trying to figure out why it's been a disaster. I don't know what happened to me today but I lost all self-control for a few hours. My desires to sin overcame my desires to be righteous and it freaked the crap out of me. I mean, nothing happened, but only because I wasn't in a position where it could. Have you ever had a personal apostasy in your head for like 2 hours? It was weird, and I don't like it. Now I am left to ponder what I did wrong.

Anyway, the best thing about life is that nothing is stagnant...whether you approve or not, things are always changing. I think that more than we realize, we have the chance to be an active participant in these changes, if we choose to be. Even sin can be temporary if we take hold of the atonement and run with it.

I love Winston Churchill. In 1941 (and during WWI at a time when it looked like Britain could be in serious danger of being overcome by its enemies) he gave a speech to students at a certain school. He stood at the podium and said

"Never give in--never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy."

This is how I feel tonight. I'm mad at myself, and frustrated that today wasn't my best...but it was just one day and I need to move on. I will never give up...and I have faith that the savior will never give up on me.

By the way, I am amazed at how many people have just happened across my blog already. It's amazing. I guess the internets are more incredible than I had ever imagined. Thank you to all of my new readers. Thank you for visiting the blog and thank you for your comments. Realize that I sincerely consider you my friends in a 21st century, unconventional sort of way. But seriously, I do.

Saturday, February 3, 2007

Extended Denial

So this post is not meant to be inflammatory in any way. I mean that.

It is more of a question than anything and something I have been thinking about lately.

So as I cruise the so-called blog "queer-o-sphere," I am looking to suck up as much information as possible. Information is power to me. I love learning as much as I can about something and then coming to my own conclusions through analysis. I'm not presenting any conclusions here or anything but I just wanted to comment about a seemingly widespread phenomenon...

Why have so many LDS guys with SSA chosen to get married without first disclosing their 'gayness' in any way?

Yes, I understand the basic church pressures to get married, and I definitely understand repression because that's something I had mastered for the first 20 some odd years of my life. Yet, the sum of those two factors alone do not legitimize such behavior (meaning...getting married without first disclosing your sexual identity, or whatever you choose to call the SSA problem). Also, I understand that many people once hoped that marriage was in fact the cure to SSA. I am not ignorant to any of this, so don't get upset or think that I just don't get it. Try to understand where I am coming from.

Marriage is HUGE. I mean, even straight people should be terrified of it, don't you think? It carries a lot of responsibility, at the very least. Besides responsibility, it will affect the rest of your life and your happiness. Marriage within the church and in the temple brings that all to an even higher level, a spiritual one, and the decision will outlast mortality. Seriously, I would be terrified to get married regardless of my sexuality, or it would at least cause me to deeply consider all aspects before selecting a spouse and finalizing my decision. To me it is ludicrous to claim that social pressure, personal repression, and hope are enough to push gay people into marriage WITHOUT telling this woman, whom they love so much, that they are bringing serious issues into the marriage.

This brings us back to the point....apparently my reasoning is wrong, though, because it appears from what I have seen that many of us, at least many bloggers, fail to tell their fiancee of their problem, and then spend a marriage trying to decide whether or not to let this ENORMOUS elephant out of the closet (pun intended).

So look, it is not meant to be provocative at all, but these are my thoughts. I hope that in some way it seems reasonable that I would be shocked at this behavior. Don't you think it would avoid TONS of future conflicts and mental anguish if everyone with SSA (or any other serious issues) would disclose this to their spouse-to-be before marriage? If the person freaks out and calls it off then great, it means that it wasn't the person for you anyway.

I, as much as anyone, am greatly looking forward to marriage. Yes, I am somewhat afraid, but my whole life I have tackled issues that I am afraid of...for me, fear alone is not enough reason to not get married, but I must be very cautious about this major decision that will likely affect my entire life and beyond it, and the life of someone else as well! I think it is very unwise to delay disclosing SSA issues to someone you love, intend to marry, and are asking to spend eternity with. I am shocked that this non-disclosure issue is such a common phenomenon and I urge those of you considering marriage to not follow that dangerous practice.

To those of you who are married:
Don't hate me for questioning your common sense. We all have a host of personal issues, and one 'right' course of action can't and shouldn't be superimposed across everyone. I know this. So, I am not casting judgement on any of you individually, because I DON'T KNOW YOU, and I certainly don't know your circumstances. But I ask for your respect on this opinion, and possibly even your support, because I believe it could avoid a lot of the heartaches and struggles that some of you have been forced to deal with eventually.

That's all for now.

Thursday, February 1, 2007

Risk Assessment

So, it's been a has been interesting, but thank goodness I am still on top of everything. Temptations have been strong lately, and I have felt like my support structure has disappeared. I'm not sure if that's true or just in my mind. I feel like I need to have more close relationships with guys, but healthy good relationships. I have been avoiding anything that tempts me and I'm starting to feel like I'm in self-imposed exile.

Anyway, I saw something interesting on Gay Byu Student's blog.

"As I sat and pondered the mysteries of life recently, I couldn't help but become frustrated with my newfound desire to strengthen or reaffirm the testimony which I was once sure I had. You see, lately I've been praying, keeping the commandments, studying the gospel, and trying to have a better attitude toward the church. So far its been a positive experience. Yet I would be lying if I didn't admit that it has been difficult at times. I know its only been a few days, but I know the difficulty will continue to increase.So this is the question I get stumped on: how much time do I give God to answer me? I mean, I know we're not supposed to give God a timeframe - and we're often told that our timetable is not the same as the Lord's, but is there no end to the waiting? Are we really just supposed to live our whole life doing what we hope is right with the continual expectation that we will eventually receive a more sure testimony that it actually is? And what about when I decide to stop waiting and pursue a different life, won't there always be someone to say, "If you'd have just waited another day you might have received your answer."

He also said

"where do you draw the line between rules and commandments? "

Anyway, I was thinking about those questions...and these are my thoughts, which I already posted as a comment on his blog.

Here is my take on the difference between rules and commandments:-Commandments are rules of God. If you break one of the commandments, you get in trouble with God. -Rules are restrictions placed by people or organizations besides God. For example, BYU has rules...some of the rules are commandments as well, but some are just rules (like the facial hair thing) So if you break a BYU rule, then you get in trouble with BYU, but not necessarily with God...unless you broke a commandment. That's what I think about that.Also, you ask how long you should wait to get an answer. I think you are approaching the problem wrong and may get disappointed. I DO think you should pray for an answer, and open your heart to receive one...don't get me wrong. However, I think that you should also do a simple risk assessment. How much do you understand the church? How much do you believe it is true? What do you think the likelihood is that it is true. If it is NOT true, then what is the likelihood that some other major religion is true (that teaches homosexual behavior is wrong)Then you have to calculate what your risks are for choosing to break God's rules (against the odds that He does in fact exist and homosexual behavior does have consequences)If you think it's worth it to just go ahead and live how you want, then go for it. As for me, besides believing that this church is true, I also fear that if I were to believe otherwise and be wrong...then the eternal consequences would be devastating. I would rather not take the risk and live a life that will be DIFFICULT, even extremely difficult, but temporary, and in which I can still find happiness (I hope!)

Monday, January 15, 2007

Cautious Optimism

I've had a depressing start to the new year, yet I'm feeling positive right now and hopeful. I just got done perusing some of the blogs out there on the topic of same-sex attracted Latter-day Saints. Reading these is an exhausting experience to me, but necessary. I need to constantly remind myself that I am not alone, but then a get overwhelmed by realizing that there are MANY MANY people who are struggling with this, no doubt most of whom never record their experiences on the internet for all of us to see. I feel great concern for the many SSA Mormons (or those of other faiths) who feel isolated and desperate, and I fear that they will seek out comfort in places where (and from people) where they can not find lasting peace, and that are contrary to the commandments. In many ways, I don't blame them, and I am unsure to what degree God will be able to. Yet I know that we all believe that where much is given, much is required...we just don't know how these quantities will be measured.

I read the Tito Times, Gay BYU Student, Pine Tree, Unusual Dude, Eye in the Sky, and Beck's Angst, among others, and found them to be interesting. It made me love life. I love how all of us are so different yet so the same. We all deal with problems in such unique ways and often try to prescribe these onto others, which I think is a mistake. All of us have our own lives to live and we all need to figure out what will make us the happiest...especially in the long run. I do truly believe that God wants us to be happy. From the experience of my friends, I can say that seeking out gay relationships does not seem to bring this lasting happiness. I have many gay Mormon friends and the ones who have boyfriends are the most superficially happy, but I they also seem the most unstable and unsure of their lives and their future. Fortunately, I have used their experiences to remind me to that I want to pursue a life within this church, and as a married man with a family. I am not sure whether this will work or not, but I am hopeful. Again, we are all different and must all take our own paths...this is what makes life so beautiful, doesn't it?

Satan has been working hard on me lately. Although frankly I am not sure how much of it is actually the devil and how much of it are my innate and carnal desires. I would love to flatter myself and believe that I am so powerful spiritually, and such a threat to Satan's kingdom, that he has enlisted an unusually large number of forces to bring me down. Maybe I will choose to believe this at times, simply because it gives me encouragement and confidence, but I know that much of this battle is in my own mind, and Satan may have less to do with it than I think.

This week I found myself yearning to kiss another guy. I guess I have had that desire at times, but not often as a concious thought. But this thought has been upsetting to me because I have entertained it in my head for too long. It scares me how quickly thoughts turn into actions and it makes me realize the necessity for controlling our thoughts in the early stages. If you continue to give a though attention, then it grows, and takes root, and then soon it seems to overpower you where you surrender and think, "this is beyond my control." I think this is how many sins (and probably crimes in general) are committed...they are created in our minds, planted, cared for and attended to, and cherished. At some point they crowd out other things. In my case it has been scripture study.

I have done SO well at studying the scriptures during this last semester. I did it daily, and gave my scripture study a lot of effort. Yet this last 2 weeks has been disasterous, and it coincides with the thought of kissing another guy. I have scared myself a lot in the past, but this is definitely pushing my limits. I broke down last night and prayed for God to put me back on a progressive path, and I need to do my part to make that happen.

I love being alive, even when it sucks!

Friday, January 12, 2007

Poems About Struggle

The Struggle
Have you ever traveled down a road to find there was no end
For every corner that you turned there was another bend
The faster that you walked, the longer that it seemed
And you were all alone, in this crazy dream
Crazy dreams that you dream alone
When the lights go out and no one's home
You see the day for what it's beenAnd you wish to God you could stay clean
The morning brings you to the road you didn't want to travel and every step you take again makes your life unravel
You keep on walking down the path, wondering what you'll find,and pray that when you find it you wont have lost your mind
It's halfway through another day and you're looking for those dreams knowing they can make your life better than it seems
If only to forget your pain for a little while you can travel down the road just another mile
The night is now upon you, the miles are on your face,
But you keep going forward to your final place.
You know the end is coming soon, you see it straight ahead
And if they don't forget you, you never will be dead

In a Time of Struggle
I am so confused
I don't know what to do
From what I've learned I'm supposed to turn to you
Lord please help me just lead me in your way
This is what I am asking to you from me today
You know my situation I know that you care
Right now it seems my burden is too hard for me to bear
But you will help me through it i know that this is true
Please help my eyes focus soley on you
I need to figure this out
Dear God help me not to doubt
I need you here beside me
Without you life can't be
I have a lot to think about
There's a lot on my mind
Where is the answer that I am trying to find?
I'm searching my headI'm searching my heart
All I know is that this is tearing me apart
Apart from friendsApart from life
Help me remove this pain that stings like a knife
Lord I give it to you, my life in your hands
I know I can trust everything in your plans
Whatever you do I'll always believe in you
-Laura Campbell

Struggle's Gloom
With a blank sorrow, heavy I am now grown;
Like things eternal, changeless stands my woe.
In vain I try to overcome my foe.O Lord of Love!
Make me more dead than stone.
Thy Grace of silent Smile I never feel;
The forger of evil stamps my nights and days.
His call my sleepless body ever obeys.
My heart I annihilate and try to heal.
The dumb earth-waste now burns a hell to my soul.
I fail to fight with its stupendous doom,
My breath is a slave of that unending gloom.
For Light I pine, but find a tenebrous goal.
Smoke-clouds cover my face of Spirit's fire;
Naked I move in night's ignorance deep and dire.
-Sri Chimnoy

True, suffering has reality in it.
Who denies it?
But the transcendence of suffering
Also has reality in it.
Who can disbelieve it?
-Sri Chimnoy
My soul is like the oar that momently
Dies in a desperate stress beneath the wave,
Then glitters out again and sweeps the sea:
Each second I'm new-born from some new grave.
O Hunger, Hunger,
I will harness thee
And make thee harrow all my spirit's glebe.
Of old the blind bard
Herve sang so sweet
He made a wolf to plow his land.
-Sidney Lanier

It's dark around, it pains inside..
Somebody has chained me in a cell..
Four walls and three windows.. the dark grey of gloom..
The walls of reinforced expectation,
The bass of high - density conditioning,
The floor of impregnable societal farce,
The roof of titanium pretension..
I open the windows, the moon drifts.
It's rays, slashed to pieces by metal bars, fall at my feet and hit my head.
They give me hope, strength and courage, but..
Can hope, strength and courage.. make me break solid steel? ?
I close the windows..
No moon, no stars, no rays of light, no hope, no strength, no courage..
A placid solitude of a wait....
For DeAtH..? ? ! !
I want to live..
I want to wait for the promised sunrise, the jailbreak, that will free all..
Deliverer, deliver..!
Messiah, preach..!
God, show me the way..!
Somebody, anybody, come to rescue..!
Save us from the creator of this prison..! !
Does he even realise the torture on us?
And oh.. Does he even have a name..? ? W
ait..! Yes he does..! What does that plaque say..? T
his prison.. created by..
I laugh aloud, so loud..that the walls crumble..the bars melt..the roof gives in..the earth shudders in celebration..
Who am I..? ?
I am the walls..
I am the windows..
I am the moon..
I am the hope..
I am the Messiah..
I am the GOD...
I am the FREE..
-Charvee Rehani

Say Not the Struggle Nought Availeth
SAY not the struggle nought availeth,
The labour and the wounds are vain,
The enemy faints not, nor faileth,
And as things have been, things remain;
If hopes were dupes, fears may be liars;
It may be, in yon smoke concealed,
Your comrades chase e’en now the fliers,
And, but for you, possess the field.
For while the tired waves vainly breaking
Seem here no painful inch to gain,
Far back, through creeks and inlets making,
Comes silent, flooding in, the main.
And not by eastern windows only,
When daylight comes, comes in the light,
In front the sun climbs slow, how slowly,
But westward, look, the land is bright
-Arthur Hugh Clough

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Can't Sleep

For some reason I can't sleep. This never happens to me, so it's weird.

I found this new song by Black Lab, it's called This Night.

Here is a link to hear the song on myspace, you might have to click on the actual song to get it to start.

Here are the lyrics, and they really click with me right now:


This night there are things I have done.
there’s a place I have gone.
there’s a beast and I let it run now it’s running my way.

there are things I regret that you can’t forgive you can’t forget.
there’s a gift that you sent you sent it my way.

so take this night and wrap it around me like a sheet.
I know I’m not forgiven but I need a place to sleep.
so take this night and lay me down on the street. I know I’m not forgiven but I hope that I’ll be given some sleep.

there’s a game that I played.
there are rules I had to break.
there’s mistakes that I made but I made them my way.

so take this night and wrap it around me like a sheet. I know I’m not forgiven but I need a place to sleep. so take this night and lay me down on the street. I know I’m not forgiven but I hope that I’ll be given some peace.


So this is how it starts...

This is my story. I am 25 years old and struggling with same sex attraction. For various reasons I usually refrain from calling myself gay, but I'm not critical of anyone who identifies using that term.

This entry is not a typical one, but simply a structure from which to build off of.
First of all. I am against blogs. I think it's ludicrous that anyone would opt to broadcast the most obscure details of their life on the Internet, making it available to anyone and everyone in the world who can obtain Internet access. I guess I am just against blogs for myself. People can do what they want.

So why I am posting here? My story is an interesting least I think it is. I won't attempt to tell it all at once, or even all of it, but hopefully over time I'll be able to express all of these thoughts that have been floating around in my head for 25 years.

First of all, I am intimately acquainted with the tremendously difficult struggle that comes with being LDS and SSA. Everyone deals with this in different ways, and personally I feel perfectly fine about that. I DON'T feel fine about the fact that our battle is usually fought in secret. Those in our position seem to grow up learning to hate themselves inside, and feeling that they aren't as good as their peers. For a long time I felt like I was being chased by something terrible. I would run and run and run, and I was scared that my secret would catch up to me. More than anything I feared people finding out, which would be devastating to them and me. Fortunately I have made a lot of progress but unfortunately the secrecy has not fully left, and I often wonder if it ever will. For now at least, my blog will trace my thoughts and ideas more than the events of my life, but the interesting information is and has been my mental journey, not the external affairs.

At any rate, I decided to write this blog, right? A few months ago I was thinking about the world and my place in it. I was trying to decide what I want out of this existence (and hopefully I'll get to that at a later date, but it is extraneous to this discussion). I realized how fortunate I am to be in the position I am currently in - I am LDS, I believe with all my heart that this church is God's true church on the Earth. Sure, I have questioned, and do question it, but I constantly come to the same conclusion through scripture study and prayer: that I want this church to be true, that it makes sense to me, and my spiritual confirmations have been consistent regarding the veractiy of the whole thing. So, yeah, I feel lucky for that assurance that I have felt. I am also grateful, however, that I have been able to serve a mission. My mission meant more to me than anything. I loved it, I loved the people I taught, and it shaped and changed my character forever and put me on a more divine projectery. I also feel grateful that I have not given in to physical homosexual behavior. I mean, to some extent I have. I am guilty of forming friendships based on who I am most drawn to, but isn't that pretty human? I find myself checking people of the same gender out, and I have been close to getting in trouble...but my faith toward God has consistently paid off so far, and I honestly feel lucky for it.

However, don't think that my life has been easy... (and I am getting back to the main point here, sorry for the wordiness of this entry) I have fought and fought my feelings. In fact, for nearly all of my life I have repressed them entirely, leaving them only to the dusty and unmonitored vaults of my subconcious mind. I have come to realize that THIS IS DANGEROUS.

On his website, Michael Fenichel writes the following concerning the work of Freud:

For Freud, repression was the unconscious mechanism whereby unacceptable impulses or memories were kept hidden from awareness, as a basic defense which the ego uses to ward off anxiety.

Repression is different than supression, which is an intentional squashing of a thought. This is the phenomenon of "see no evil, say no evil" and refusing to think about something painful or anxiety producing. This is frequently the process which is invoked between the time of a stressful event or discussion (including therapy), and pouring that cocktail or popping that pill, or going online (!), when disinhibition takes over and supression can stop working so hard. With repression, however, one doesn't have choice or volition. What is repressed is repressed

I have come to agree with this, because that is how I chose to deal with my feelings. I repressed them for so long...I didn't even realize what I was doing. If someone had confronted me in high school and accused me of being attracted to men, I would have violently denied it, even to myself. That is the problem with being LDS and SSA, at least it was for me, but I am sure there are others who dealt with it my way. I ignored it until it exploded, and luckily I was able to handle the information as it became a part of my conscious thought process.

A few years ago, I came out to myself. I had been dating girls, and I loved it, but it always caused problems, mostly in my head. I was even kissing girls and I was attracted to some (but not as many as I was to different guys) and I planned on a perfect marriage and family, (which, incidentally I still hope for).

Anyway, this comes to the originally point of this entry. Why am I writing a freaking retarded blog? So after I realized what would become a central struggle of my mortal life, I was thinking about life and everything, and I realized that I am lucky to be in the position I am in. I have sinned many times, but who hasn't!!! I'd probably be in the same place spiritually if I was straight. Despite what some church members might think, being straight doesn't guarantee anyone greater access to righteousness. We are all here to learn to control ourselves and keep the commandments, and we are all on different levels, and have different situations, and we will be judged accordingly.
Okay, so anyway, I realized that there are SO many differing opinions out there concerning how to hand being same-sex attracted and Mormon. I don't claim that my thoughts are any more righteous or "true" than anyone elses, but that day I was thinking, I realized that I needed to write a book someday. Maybe it would do no good, but if my book helped ONE person to feel better about themselves, or to refrain from taking their own life, or even to refrain from leading a gay lifestyle, then it would be worth it to me. However, I am not ready to write a book, and for many reasons, my identity needs to remain pretty anonymous. That's where the blog comes in.

I don't know if anyone will read it, but I hope that people in my situation who are struggling to figure themselves out will find some refuge here. You might not agree with my thoughts and actions, but I hope that my struggle to find myself in my head, to come to terms with who I am, and the ONGOING struggle to stay righteous (which I never feel is over) will be some encouragement to someone. It may be unnecessary because there is so much on the internet like this anyway. We'll see.

Anyway, I promise that my future entries will be more interesting and less wordy...but I am going to slowly try and get my brain out of my head to analyze what is and has been going on with me.

I will probably stay anonymous, not only so I won't be unexpectedly outed, but mainly so that I can truly say what is going on with me, even past what would normally be appropriate in conversations with friends and acquaintances, and try to get to the bottom of my issues while giving others some ideas to play with. If anyone ends up reading this, please let me know.

In the meantime, thanks for reading, and God bless.

"And behold, others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance."