Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Ugly Sweaters and the Devil's Circle

So, I found this website today and it's freaking awesome. It's this girl modeling all these different types of sweaters and they all have names. My favorite is "queen of the ocean."
Where am I going with this...oh yeah, nowhere.

Anyway, today was kind of tragic for me. Everyone likes to know that somebody has a crush on them, I mean, it feels good to know that you are attractive enough, or have a great enough personality or testimony, or whatever, that someone is drawn to you. I think it's easier to avoid having people like you, though, at least it is for me...especially as someone dealing with SSA. It always causes issues when girls like me, then I act all weird because I don't usually like them back, and then it's disaster.

The problem even goes deeper than that...and I think this is something that most guys in my situation would understand. I feel the urge to be closer to people...whether guys or girls (and often especially guys) No one knows this because I am super outgoing and friendly, no one would suspect that I often feel lonely. The problem is that if I start becoming good friends with a girl, then she thinks I like her. Or, if I make it clear that I don't like her but I still want to be close, then she is either weirded out, or other people are. I feel like it's a total catch 22.

Moreover, I have similar problems with guys. I love hanging out with guys, whether I am attracted to them or not. It's just easier for me because you avoid all the awkward issues that I mentioned above. However, with a guy I always get frustrated and then separate myself. This is either because:
1) I am attracted to him and get scared
2) I get frustrated that he doesn't get close to me the way I want (not romantically, but most of you get what I mean)
3) I get scared off because I feel like its not socially acceptable to hang out with guys all the time
4) I get scared off because I'm afraid that people will suspect I'm attracted to guys (similar to 3, but not the same for me)

Anyway, like I said, its a catch 22...or a "devils circle" (teufelskreis) as the Germans call it. (I want so badly to learn German, by the way) It just frustrates me because I just want close friends, that doesn't have to mean that I am looking for a physical relationship because 97 percent of me is not. (there's just that 3 percent that I'm constantly trying to suppress)

Then to make it all worse, girls like me. So I get all weirded out and then people think I'm weird. Seriously, it's amazing that I have managed to function so normally in society for my whole life and get away with it. There's a whole lot to me that doesn't always meet the eye...but I guess it's probably like that for everyone.

Who am I to claim exceptional status?


Le Mec said...

1. Those sweaters are deliciously hideous.
2. I hear ya. I think I've spent the last few months trying to figure out where girls fit in to my personal schema. It really is refreshing to just be with guys in a "normal" situation, just talking and feeling like they want to hang around you just because you're cool. Or whatever. Sometimes the frustration I feel is that I get tired of not being "noticed." Sometimes I just want someone (a guy) to just tell me that I'm attractive, but like you said that gets even more complicated and dangerous. Oh dear. This comment isn't really loaded with any advice, just empathy. Sorry.

agirlwho said...

Yeah, from a girl's point of view (who has liked a few guys who turned out to have SSA) I can see the catch 22. I just couldn't understand why I would become such good friends with a guy and when I made my intentions clear enough, he tells me he isn't interested. HOW?! WHY?! I used to get so upset about it. Well, it is inevitable. I guess that if you have friends that become close enough, you should consider telling them about your situation. It only improved my relationship with my friends who told me. I felt like I really knew them... finally. There was always something that was a mystery about them to me. Then after I knew our relationship fell into place. I am very glad to have the friends that I do. Don't be afraid to get close to people, they want to know you, the real you. It's just up to you who you share yourself with. I love the way my friends talk to me now. It's like a breath of fresh air. And I love them even more for it.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I like sweaters, but not those. Maybe I don't like sweaters anymore after seeing those, I am really shaken!

I will be your close friend, as least as close as email permits--just keep emailing! :) We all need close friends, whether they live next door, across town or on the other side of the country.

Note that I changed my blog address today, it is now

the Jerman said...

Thanks for visiting my blog the other day.

These are exceptionally ugly sweaters- good find!

AttemptingthePath said...

whenever i feel bad i come to this post and just laugh at the sweaters!


Kengo Biddles said...

DUDE! YOU NEED A DISCLAIMER ON THIS POST! I mean, I may never be able to have Beto's and a Rockstar after this post!


but on the SSA front, it's a juggling match. And it's not always easy. I know that part of the reason that Miki and I got married was because she pushed hard...I'm glad she did, don't get me wrong, but yes, it took some work from her to get me to take the step forward.

It's a learning curve. Give yourself time. :)

Gary said...

After over 32 years of struggling with SSA, I was delivered in May of this year. Everyone does not fit the same mold, yet, after many years of investigating SSA, I found that a great majority have the same foundational issue(s). I was delivered through a thorough understanding of my wounds and rejection issues; understanding that I had built huge walls around myself in a protection effort; forgiving those who trespassed against me and letting go of the right to justice, revenge, or holding them accountable for their actions; forgiving myself; ridding myself of the guilt and shedding the cloak of shame that covered me. By giving this all over to the blood of Jesus, I was loosed of the burden and God has given me many test...imonies of the deliverance. My key to making it to the point of deliverance was to give myself over to Jesus as I was at the end of my rope, had hit rock bottom and the choice was death or life... when I chose life and was able to close the chasm I felt there was between myself and God, God heard my plea and set things in motion.

Thing is, it is not easy in this world to get the right counsel for a SSA issue. I had reached out to no avail. My wife told me that I had to make a choice, God of the alternate lifestyle and she hoped I made the right choice but we all were tired of the constant struggle it entailed. In 2004 God got my attention to do something about it but it took almost 4 years from that point to get deilvered. So, hang in there, you will be refined by the fire in God's efforts to bring you to the point where He wants you to be so that deliverance can take place.

I guess that I encourage anyone struggling with SSA to grab hold of God and seek His counsel, listen to what He is telling you to do or not to do and be obedient to His will. Don't hit rock bottom before you reach out. If you don't get the help you need at one place, go to others till someone takes you seriously and understands what you need to experience to get where you are supposed to be, at peace with yourself and God and experiencing the love that the Lord has to offer in its fullest. Deliverance has changed me from a self-centered pitiful example of a Christian to a Spirit filled man on fire for the Lord and with a heart for those that struggle with SSA, especially the married men.

"And behold, others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance."