Where am I going with this...oh yeah, nowhere.
Anyway, today was kind of tragic for me. Everyone likes to know that somebody has a crush on them, I mean, it feels good to know that you are attractive enough, or have a great enough personality or testimony, or whatever, that someone is drawn to you. I think it's easier to avoid having people like you, though, at least it is for me...especially as someone dealing with SSA. It always causes issues when girls like me, then I act all weird because I don't usually like them back, and then it's disaster.
The problem even goes deeper than that...and I think this is something that most guys in my situation would understand. I feel the urge to be closer to people...whether guys or girls (and often especially guys) No one knows this because I am super outgoing and friendly, no one would suspect that I often feel lonely. The problem is that if I start becoming good friends with a girl, then she thinks I like her. Or, if I make it clear that I don't like her but I still want to be close, then she is either weirded out, or other people are. I feel like it's a total catch 22.
Moreover, I have similar problems with guys. I love hanging out with guys, whether I am attracted to them or not. It's just easier for me because you avoid all the awkward issues that I mentioned above. However, with a guy I always get frustrated and then separate myself. This is either because:
1) I am attracted to him and get scared
2) I get frustrated that he doesn't get close to me the way I want (not romantically, but most of you get what I mean)
3) I get scared off because I feel like its not socially acceptable to hang out with guys all the time
4) I get scared off because I'm afraid that people will suspect I'm attracted to guys (similar to 3, but not the same for me)
Anyway, like I said, its a catch 22...or a "devils circle" (teufelskreis) as the Germans call it. (I want so badly to learn German, by the way) It just frustrates me because I just want close friends, that doesn't have to mean that I am looking for a physical relationship because 97 percent of me is not. (there's just that 3 percent that I'm constantly trying to suppress)
Then to make it all worse, girls like me. So I get all weirded out and then people think I'm weird. Seriously, it's amazing that I have managed to function so normally in society for my whole life and get away with it. There's a whole lot to me that doesn't always meet the eye...but I guess it's probably like that for everyone.