It is more of a question than anything and something I have been thinking about lately.
So as I cruise the so-called blog "queer-o-sphere," I am looking to suck up as much information as possible. Information is power to me. I love learning as much as I can about something and then coming to my own conclusions through analysis. I'm not presenting any conclusions here or anything but I just wanted to comment about a seemingly widespread phenomenon...
Why have so many LDS guys with SSA chosen to get married without first disclosing their 'gayness' in any way?
Yes, I understand the basic church pressures to get married, and I definitely understand repression because that's something I had mastered for the first 20 some odd years of my life. Yet, the sum of those two factors alone do not legitimize such behavior (meaning...getting married without first disclosing your sexual identity, or whatever you choose to call the SSA problem). Also, I understand that many people once hoped that marriage was in fact the cure to SSA. I am not ignorant to any of this, so don't get upset or think that I just don't get it. Try to understand where I am coming from.
Marriage is HUGE. I mean, even straight people should be terrified of it, don't you think? It carries a lot of responsibility, at the very least. Besides responsibility, it will affect the rest of your life and your happiness. Marriage within the church and in the temple brings that all to an even higher level, a spiritual one, and the decision will outlast mortality. Seriously, I would be terrified to get married regardless of my sexuality, or it would at least cause me to deeply consider all aspects before selecting a spouse and finalizing my decision. To me it is ludicrous to claim that social pressure, personal repression, and hope are enough to push gay people into marriage WITHOUT telling this woman, whom they love so much, that they are bringing serious issues into the marriage.
This brings us back to the point....apparently my reasoning is wrong, though, because it appears from what I have seen that many of us, at least many bloggers, fail to tell their fiancee of their problem, and then spend a marriage trying to decide whether or not to let this ENORMOUS elephant out of the closet (pun intended).
So look, it is not meant to be provocative at all, but these are my thoughts. I hope that in some way it seems reasonable that I would be shocked at this behavior. Don't you think it would avoid TONS of future conflicts and mental anguish if everyone with SSA (or any other serious issues) would disclose this to their spouse-to-be before marriage? If the person freaks out and calls it off then great, it means that it wasn't the person for you anyway.
I, as much as anyone, am greatly looking forward to marriage. Yes, I am somewhat afraid, but my whole life I have tackled issues that I am afraid of...for me, fear alone is not enough reason to not get married, but I must be very cautious about this major decision that will likely affect my entire life and beyond it, and the life of someone else as well! I think it is very unwise to delay disclosing SSA issues to someone you love, intend to marry, and are asking to spend eternity with. I am shocked that this non-disclosure issue is such a common phenomenon and I urge those of you considering marriage to not follow that dangerous practice.
Don't hate me for questioning your common sense. We all have a host of personal issues, and one 'right' course of action can't and shouldn't be superimposed across everyone. I know this. So, I am not casting judgement on any of you individually, because I DON'T KNOW YOU, and I certainly don't know your circumstances. But I ask for your respect on this opinion, and possibly even your support, because I believe it could avoid a lot of the heartaches and struggles that some of you have been forced to deal with eventually.
That's all for now.