Wednesday, May 30, 2007


I had been doing well for the last few weeks. I've had a lot of changes and I felt like I was on top of everything. I've neglected to mention that I have a girlfriend, and I guess that's a pretty crucial detail to bring up. She's awesome, and I told her about my SSA and she seems cool with it. Lately however, all I feel is fear. I fear that she doesn't fully understand what she's gotten into. I fear that I am not getting the emotional connection that I've needed with guys. I'm just scared of everything right now. It's so weird.

Anyway, I don't want to date a guy, but I really need more of a connection with some. Does anyone have any ideas on how to fulfill that need without making drastic changes? Man, I just need a big hug right now.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The silence is over

So, I have had a lot of time to do some soul-searching lately. It pisses me off how I can make such a decision, and then I find myself having to make the decision over and over again every day. In this case the decision is to not act on my SSA. I just wish these feeling would diminish, but they aren't. Anyway, I guess that's something that many of you relate to and I take comfort in the fact that I am not alone.

I just got an email from Hidden who mentioned that I haven't written in a while, and I realized that I haven't because I feel like I have had nothing positive to contribute...but it just occurred to me that my blog will be more effective if I share my thoughts, even when I am having a hard time. So I am going to make an effor to do better, and thank you to those of you who keep up on my blog and comment. I love having you as friends, even if we can't meet in person at this time.

I just finished watching the movie Rock Hudson. I had never heard anything about the dude...he was a famous and handsome actor who was known for his good looks and romantic films. After a failed marriage he later died of AIDS and it became public that he had spent his whole life as a closeted homosexual. The film was really good and I recommend it to you all, but at the same time it just made me angry. I'm angry because I am closeted I don't want to be, but there is no way out. The consequences of coming out would be worse than living in it. Ultimately, I really do want to be a temple-worthy member of the church. I believe it and I want a stronger testimony. I just feel like I am stuck in giant, intricate puzzle and if there is a way out, it is much more complicated and limited than some people assume. For me, the answer is not to just jump out of the closet and start calling everyone and telling them I struggle with SSA. I wish I was like that but I am too analytic and I can think too far ahead to know that I will probably regret it. For me, coming out is like getting a will be awesome for a little bit and I am really tempted to just make myself do it, but I know that I will end up wishing I had more foresight and there will be no way to take it back.

For example, I want to get married, badly. I believe that if I can pull myself together, then I have what it takes to really make a marriage work, have a family, etc...
I also know that if I come out, it will be much much harder for my future wife and family, and I would rather have this be something that I deal with and my wife knows about, but the whole world doesn't know about it.

Okay, that's all for now. Long story short, I am just having a rough few weeks and I know darn well that the answer is NOT a same-sex relationship, but everything sucks right now.

"And behold, others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance."