Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Genesis

So this is how it starts...

This is my story. I am 25 years old and struggling with same sex attraction. For various reasons I usually refrain from calling myself gay, but I'm not critical of anyone who identifies using that term.

This entry is not a typical one, but simply a structure from which to build off of.
First of all. I am against blogs. I think it's ludicrous that anyone would opt to broadcast the most obscure details of their life on the Internet, making it available to anyone and everyone in the world who can obtain Internet access. I guess I am just against blogs for myself. People can do what they want.

So why I am posting here? My story is an interesting one...at least I think it is. I won't attempt to tell it all at once, or even all of it, but hopefully over time I'll be able to express all of these thoughts that have been floating around in my head for 25 years.

First of all, I am intimately acquainted with the tremendously difficult struggle that comes with being LDS and SSA. Everyone deals with this in different ways, and personally I feel perfectly fine about that. I DON'T feel fine about the fact that our battle is usually fought in secret. Those in our position seem to grow up learning to hate themselves inside, and feeling that they aren't as good as their peers. For a long time I felt like I was being chased by something terrible. I would run and run and run, and I was scared that my secret would catch up to me. More than anything I feared people finding out, which would be devastating to them and me. Fortunately I have made a lot of progress but unfortunately the secrecy has not fully left, and I often wonder if it ever will. For now at least, my blog will trace my thoughts and ideas more than the events of my life, but the interesting information is and has been my mental journey, not the external affairs.

At any rate, I decided to write this blog, right? A few months ago I was thinking about the world and my place in it. I was trying to decide what I want out of this existence (and hopefully I'll get to that at a later date, but it is extraneous to this discussion). I realized how fortunate I am to be in the position I am currently in - I am LDS, I believe with all my heart that this church is God's true church on the Earth. Sure, I have questioned, and do question it, but I constantly come to the same conclusion through scripture study and prayer: that I want this church to be true, that it makes sense to me, and my spiritual confirmations have been consistent regarding the veractiy of the whole thing. So, yeah, I feel lucky for that assurance that I have felt. I am also grateful, however, that I have been able to serve a mission. My mission meant more to me than anything. I loved it, I loved the people I taught, and it shaped and changed my character forever and put me on a more divine projectery. I also feel grateful that I have not given in to physical homosexual behavior. I mean, to some extent I have. I am guilty of forming friendships based on who I am most drawn to, but isn't that pretty human? I find myself checking people of the same gender out, and I have been close to getting in trouble...but my faith toward God has consistently paid off so far, and I honestly feel lucky for it.

However, don't think that my life has been easy... (and I am getting back to the main point here, sorry for the wordiness of this entry) I have fought and fought my feelings. In fact, for nearly all of my life I have repressed them entirely, leaving them only to the dusty and unmonitored vaults of my subconcious mind. I have come to realize that THIS IS DANGEROUS.

On his website, Michael Fenichel writes the following concerning the work of Freud:


For Freud, repression was the unconscious mechanism whereby unacceptable impulses or memories were kept hidden from awareness, as a basic defense which the ego uses to ward off anxiety.

Repression is different than supression, which is an intentional squashing of a thought. This is the phenomenon of "see no evil, say no evil" and refusing to think about something painful or anxiety producing. This is frequently the process which is invoked between the time of a stressful event or discussion (including therapy), and pouring that cocktail or popping that pill, or going online (!), when disinhibition takes over and supression can stop working so hard. With repression, however, one doesn't have choice or volition. What is repressed is repressed


I have come to agree with this, because that is how I chose to deal with my feelings. I repressed them for so long...I didn't even realize what I was doing. If someone had confronted me in high school and accused me of being attracted to men, I would have violently denied it, even to myself. That is the problem with being LDS and SSA, at least it was for me, but I am sure there are others who dealt with it my way. I ignored it until it exploded, and luckily I was able to handle the information as it became a part of my conscious thought process.

A few years ago, I came out to myself. I had been dating girls, and I loved it, but it always caused problems, mostly in my head. I was even kissing girls and I was attracted to some (but not as many as I was to different guys) and I planned on a perfect marriage and family, (which, incidentally I still hope for).

Anyway, this comes to the originally point of this entry. Why am I writing a freaking retarded blog? So after I realized what would become a central struggle of my mortal life, I was thinking about life and everything, and I realized that I am lucky to be in the position I am in. I have sinned many times, but who hasn't!!! I'd probably be in the same place spiritually if I was straight. Despite what some church members might think, being straight doesn't guarantee anyone greater access to righteousness. We are all here to learn to control ourselves and keep the commandments, and we are all on different levels, and have different situations, and we will be judged accordingly.
Okay, so anyway, I realized that there are SO many differing opinions out there concerning how to hand being same-sex attracted and Mormon. I don't claim that my thoughts are any more righteous or "true" than anyone elses, but that day I was thinking, I realized that I needed to write a book someday. Maybe it would do no good, but if my book helped ONE person to feel better about themselves, or to refrain from taking their own life, or even to refrain from leading a gay lifestyle, then it would be worth it to me. However, I am not ready to write a book, and for many reasons, my identity needs to remain pretty anonymous. That's where the blog comes in.

I don't know if anyone will read it, but I hope that people in my situation who are struggling to figure themselves out will find some refuge here. You might not agree with my thoughts and actions, but I hope that my struggle to find myself in my head, to come to terms with who I am, and the ONGOING struggle to stay righteous (which I never feel is over) will be some encouragement to someone. It may be unnecessary because there is so much on the internet like this anyway. We'll see.

Anyway, I promise that my future entries will be more interesting and less wordy...but I am going to slowly try and get my brain out of my head to analyze what is and has been going on with me.

I will probably stay anonymous, not only so I won't be unexpectedly outed, but mainly so that I can truly say what is going on with me, even past what would normally be appropriate in conversations with friends and acquaintances, and try to get to the bottom of my issues while giving others some ideas to play with. If anyone ends up reading this, please let me know.

In the meantime, thanks for reading, and God bless.

3 comments:

pinetree said...

I ended up reading this.

Gay BYU Student said...

I read it too. Even if your blog functions as more of a journal for you to sort out your thoughts it will be worth it - trust me. Just keep at it. Good luck to you.

asdf said...

yeah I don't know how I came across it but I read it...

"And behold, others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance."