Monday, January 15, 2007
I've had a depressing start to the new year, yet I'm feeling positive right now and hopeful. I just got done perusing some of the blogs out there on the topic of same-sex attracted Latter-day Saints. Reading these is an exhausting experience to me, but necessary. I need to constantly remind myself that I am not alone, but then a get overwhelmed by realizing that there are MANY MANY people who are struggling with this, no doubt most of whom never record their experiences on the internet for all of us to see. I feel great concern for the many SSA Mormons (or those of other faiths) who feel isolated and desperate, and I fear that they will seek out comfort in places where (and from people) where they can not find lasting peace, and that are contrary to the commandments. In many ways, I don't blame them, and I am unsure to what degree God will be able to. Yet I know that we all believe that where much is given, much is required...we just don't know how these quantities will be measured.
I read the Tito Times, Gay BYU Student, Pine Tree, Unusual Dude, Eye in the Sky, and Beck's Angst, among others, and found them to be interesting. It made me love life. I love how all of us are so different yet so the same. We all deal with problems in such unique ways and often try to prescribe these onto others, which I think is a mistake. All of us have our own lives to live and we all need to figure out what will make us the happiest...especially in the long run. I do truly believe that God wants us to be happy. From the experience of my friends, I can say that seeking out gay relationships does not seem to bring this lasting happiness. I have many gay Mormon friends and the ones who have boyfriends are the most superficially happy, but I they also seem the most unstable and unsure of their lives and their future. Fortunately, I have used their experiences to remind me to that I want to pursue a life within this church, and as a married man with a family. I am not sure whether this will work or not, but I am hopeful. Again, we are all different and must all take our own paths...this is what makes life so beautiful, doesn't it?
Satan has been working hard on me lately. Although frankly I am not sure how much of it is actually the devil and how much of it are my innate and carnal desires. I would love to flatter myself and believe that I am so powerful spiritually, and such a threat to Satan's kingdom, that he has enlisted an unusually large number of forces to bring me down. Maybe I will choose to believe this at times, simply because it gives me encouragement and confidence, but I know that much of this battle is in my own mind, and Satan may have less to do with it than I think.
This week I found myself yearning to kiss another guy. I guess I have had that desire at times, but not often as a concious thought. But this thought has been upsetting to me because I have entertained it in my head for too long. It scares me how quickly thoughts turn into actions and it makes me realize the necessity for controlling our thoughts in the early stages. If you continue to give a though attention, then it grows, and takes root, and then soon it seems to overpower you where you surrender and think, "this is beyond my control." I think this is how many sins (and probably crimes in general) are committed...they are created in our minds, planted, cared for and attended to, and cherished. At some point they crowd out other things. In my case it has been scripture study.
I have done SO well at studying the scriptures during this last semester. I did it daily, and gave my scripture study a lot of effort. Yet this last 2 weeks has been disasterous, and it coincides with the thought of kissing another guy. I have scared myself a lot in the past, but this is definitely pushing my limits. I broke down last night and prayed for God to put me back on a progressive path, and I need to do my part to make that happen.
I love being alive, even when it sucks!