The end for a while...

I am officially retiring from this blog for a while. I will continue to hold on to this email address though, and you can still contact me at it. After years of struggle, some sin, and growing closer to Christ I have gotten married to a beautiful and understanding woman who accepts me for who I am. This is not the path for everyone, and I would never prescribe it to someone who has not carefully considered his or her options carefully. I have come to realize that the saying is true: You can have anything you want in life, but you can't have everything you want. Isn't this true for those who are LDS and SSA? I believe so. I can't have it all, but I have carefully thought out what I want, and I want the peace of mind that this lifestyle gives me, the extra companionship of the spirit as I attend the temple, and of course, a wife and a family. I do not know what the future holds for me, but I am determined to work to alleviate the pain and anguish of those in our situation. I believe that my choices and my situation should give people hope that we can learn to control our thoughts and desires...at least to keep them in check. My last advice is to not marry anyone without telling them the truth, the full truth, and nothing but the truth. My relationship is built on that, and it has been successful so far.

For those who are struggling, I encourage you to carefully consider your options and to determine what will bring you the most happiness in this life and to pursue the hell out of it. Life is short, but don't make hasty decisions that will leave you with consequences you will regret. I have lived a life of sin, and it truly did not bring me happiness.

To close, I want to thank you all for the friendship you have extended. Please keep on fighting, there are so many out there like us who read these blogs and who need our support. I will close with a recent favorite scripture of mine...Psalms 71:20-21

"Thou, which has shewed me great and sore troubles, shalt quicken me again, and shalt bring me up again from the depths of the earth. Thous shalt increase my greatness and comfort me on every side."

I love you guys. I mean that more than you can imagine. God bless us and guide us through this dark and dreary world.

Pressure

I had been doing well for the last few weeks. I've had a lot of changes and I felt like I was on top of everything. I've neglected to mention that I have a girlfriend, and I guess that's a pretty crucial detail to bring up. She's awesome, and I told her about my SSA and she seems cool with it. Lately however, all I feel is fear. I fear that she doesn't fully understand what she's gotten into. I fear that I am not getting the emotional connection that I've needed with guys. I'm just scared of everything right now. It's so weird.

Anyway, I don't want to date a guy, but I really need more of a connection with some. Does anyone have any ideas on how to fulfill that need without making drastic changes? Man, I just need a big hug right now.

The silence is over

So, I have had a lot of time to do some soul-searching lately. It pisses me off how I can make such a decision, and then I find myself having to make the decision over and over again every day. In this case the decision is to not act on my SSA. I just wish these feeling would diminish, but they aren't. Anyway, I guess that's something that many of you relate to and I take comfort in the fact that I am not alone.

I just got an email from Hidden who mentioned that I haven't written in a while, and I realized that I haven't because I feel like I have had nothing positive to contribute...but it just occurred to me that my blog will be more effective if I share my thoughts, even when I am having a hard time. So I am going to make an effor to do better, and thank you to those of you who keep up on my blog and comment. I love having you as friends, even if we can't meet in person at this time.

I just finished watching the movie Rock Hudson. I had never heard anything about the dude...he was a famous and handsome actor who was known for his good looks and romantic films. After a failed marriage he later died of AIDS and it became public that he had spent his whole life as a closeted homosexual. The film was really good and I recommend it to you all, but at the same time it just made me angry. I'm angry because I am closeted I don't want to be, but there is no way out. The consequences of coming out would be worse than living in it. Ultimately, I really do want to be a temple-worthy member of the church. I believe it and I want a stronger testimony. I just feel like I am stuck in giant, intricate puzzle and if there is a way out, it is much more complicated and limited than some people assume. For me, the answer is not to just jump out of the closet and start calling everyone and telling them I struggle with SSA. I wish I was like that but I am too analytic and I can think too far ahead to know that I will probably regret it. For me, coming out is like getting a tatoo...it will be awesome for a little bit and I am really tempted to just make myself do it, but I know that I will end up wishing I had more foresight and there will be no way to take it back.

For example, I want to get married, badly. I believe that if I can pull myself together, then I have what it takes to really make a marriage work, have a family, etc...
I also know that if I come out, it will be much much harder for my future wife and family, and I would rather have this be something that I deal with and my wife knows about, but the whole world doesn't know about it.

Okay, that's all for now. Long story short, I am just having a rough few weeks and I know darn well that the answer is NOT a same-sex relationship, but everything sucks right now.

Deus ex machina

"Deus ex machina" is an interesting concept... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deus_ex_machina

It means "God from a machine."

The term comes from Greek and Roman theater, and refers to a hopeless situation in a tangled plot where a god would be hoisted down onto the stage to settle an otherwise insoluble situation.

Really, I think that this is something that many SSA individuals in the LDS church are waiting for....albeit in different ways. Some are waiting for the church to drastically change its stance on homosexual marriage and relationships. Some are hoping for all their desires to simultaneously be fulfilled - they want to be fully active in the church, but also have the emotional satisfaction of a same gender relationship (even if non-sexual). Some are feeling torn apart by two opposing forces, and hope that suddenly one of the two will be wished away - either their desire to stay in the church, or their same gender attraction. Finally, and most unfortunately, some are hoping to die as a way to escape their inner trauma.

I love the idea of deus ex machina...something that will heroically come onto the stage of my life and make all of my problems disappear. I really do believe that this does exist if we want it to, and that it is Jesus Christ. The problem is that our priorities are so freaking mixed up sometimes. Deep down inside, we want Jesus to tell us that we are perfect the way we are. We want Him to come down and vindicate our actions, and to feel sorry for us, and to tell us that our desires are all justified. Basically, we want Jesus to be our deus ex machina in exactly the way that would be most comfortable for us.

Basically, to me that would be like wanting to play a sport well, but you don't have the true dedication that it takes to be criticized by a coach....you just can't handle it. You want the coach to tell you that you are SO talented naturally, and that you are the most skillful person on the team. You want the coach to compliment you on every part of your game and to tell you that you are just brilliant. You would get upset if he told you that you sucked sometimes, and that you need to work harder, and that you might not be as good as some of the other people on the team.

I don't mean this post to sound negative at all because I am feeling so optimistic lately. Really, things have been going great and I am in love with life again. However, sometimes it annoys me at how selfish we (SSA-ers) can really be. We LOVE to victimize ourselves and to tell ourselves OVER AND OVER again that we are heroes. That NOBODY understands us. That we are better than other people because we struggle. Because we can't get married. Because we don't always feel welcome in church. Because nobody understands us.

Well you know what, I am sick of it. I am sick of us thinking that we deserve special treatment, and ESPECIALLY that we are an exception to the commandments. Either you believe in the church, or you don't. If you believe in it, that doesn't mean you need to be perfect. I sure has hell don't want to be friends with you if you are. Rather, it just mean that you should ADMIT when you are doing something wrong, and don't blame the church for the pain that it causes you when you disobey. If you don't believe the church, FINE. I don't condemn you, Jesus wouldn't condemn you, but just go your merry way and live your life how you will be happy. That is a central purpose of our life.

If you believe in the church and you try to follow it, then of course you will make mistakes. I make mistakes, I have doubts. That is normal. But that doesn't mean that you should think you are special or better than everyone else, or more deserving of sin because of your temptations.

There are lots of people we could feel sorry for. You know, I feel bad for handicapped people in the church. I feel bad for Iraqi war veterans that lost a couple of limbs. Do you think life will be easy for them? Do you think they are better than everyone else and they can sin because the church just doesn't get it? Just because we are SSA it doesn't mean we are special, and it certainly doesn't mean that God will just lower his expectations.

Basically, I want everyone to be happy and to live their life how they want. CHOOSE what you want out of life and then pursue the heck out of it. In 1 Corinthians 9:24, Paul says, "Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain."

Life is hard, but I have made my choice and I am running toward my goal. I hope that those of you who are confused can do the same. There is a deus ex machina out there if you choose to accept Him. But you have to accept Him on His terms, not yours. It's not for everyone, but I hope that as many of you as possible decide to follow Jesus according to His teachings in the LDS church. Of course it is hard, it is meant to be. Don't let Satan trick you into thinking that the church is irrelevant to you. We need this church BECAUSE of our imperfections and our weaknesses and our trials...whatever they may be.

Reality Check

I have had such an intense week. I was able to spend a whole day at the temple last week and I couldn't bring myself to leave because I had been preparing myself for so long to be spiritually ready to go again. I hadn't been for a while. You know, I am so in love with the church, with God and Jesus Christ, and with life. I don't know why I am so blessed to deal with SSA but you know what, it is my biggest blessing. It has helped mold me into the man that I am (and am becoming) and I would be so weak without it. I want to shout for hallelujah when I hear the following words of Paul (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

Finally, I just want to share a scripture that I came across yesterday and it gave me a giant reality check, for which I am most grateful. (Helaman 13:38)

38 But behold, your days of probation are past; ye have procrastinated the day of your salvation until it is everlastingly too late, and your destruction is made sure; yea, for ye have sought all the days of your lives for that which ye could not obtain; and ye have sought for happiness in doing iniquity, which thing is contrary to the nature of that righteousness which is in our great and Eternal Head.

I don't want that to be me. Can I repeat that? I DON'T want that to be me. I truly believe that this church is true and I believe that we will be blessed for keeping the commandments. When all is said and done, the only lasting happiness comes from following Christ in the manner that He has given us, even if it doesn't fully make sense now.

Thank you to all of you for your support. You really are like guardian angels sent from God and by miracle I have been kept on the right path. Let's continue to be support each other and stay true to our covenants, whatever the cost.

Bad Friends

For absolutely no reason other than my inner chemistry, I have felt somewhat lonely lately.

However, this has been seriously compounded by the fact that the people with whom I associate are so unreliable.

Have you ever realized that having a broken clock is worse than having NO clock? A broken clock totally messes you up. This is how I am feeling about a lot of the friends I have chosen. They are great people, I love them, and I care for them. I am sure they would say the same thing about me. But seriously I guess I am just sick of flaky friends. I have decided that I need to find more reliable people to be with. I mean, I don't think I am creating unrealistic expectations to expect friends to respond to emails, return phone calls, or just be consistent in the friendship and not cancel out on committements at the last second.

I do not suffer from any psychological problems, as far as I know. So I am definitely not paranoid, or obsessive compulsive, or depressive. In fact, I am reliable, loyal, creative, optimistic, and caring.
...either the problem is that I am giving myself way to much credit or I have selected poor friends.

I found a cool website that uses teachings of Buddhism to talk about the difference between good and bad friends. You might find it interesting.

http://www.tbsa.org/articles/WhomDoYouAssociateWith.htm


Here are some interesting points it brings up about Bad friends...


1. The first bad friend, who takes anything, has four characteristics: (1) taking everything from you, (2) Wanting a lot for very little (or wanting much in return for giving only a little), (3) doing service only when he gets into trouble, and (4) seeking only his own advantage.

2. The second bad friend, who is a great talker, has also four characteristics: (1) talking of favours in the past, (2) talking of favours in the future, (3) trying to please you with empty promises or mouthing empty promises of goodwill, and (4) pleading inability owing to some disaster when something needs to be done in the present.

3. The third bad friend, who flatters, has also four characteristics: (1) agreeing to the bad actions of you, (2) also, agreeing to the good actions of you, (3) praising you in your presence, (4) disparaging you behind your back.

4. The fourth bad friend, who is a fellow-spendthrift or who debauches, also has four characteristics: (1) being a companion when indulging in strong drink, (2) being a companion when haunting the streets at unfitting times, (3) being a companion when frequenting shows and entertainments, and (4) being a companion when indulging in gambling.

In contrast to that, this is what it has to say about good friends...

1. The first good friend, who is helpful, has four characteristics: (1) looking for you when you are drunk, (2) looking for your possessions when you are drunk, (3) being a refuge for you are in trouble, and (4) leting you have twice what you ask for when some business is to be done.

2. The second good friend, who is the same in happy and unhappy times, has four characteristics: (1) telling you his secrets, (2) keeping your secrets, (3) not forsaking you when you are in trouble, and (4) sacrificing even his life for you.

3. The third good friend, who points out what is good for you, has four characteristics: (1) keeping you from wrongdoing, [it means "restraining you from doing the ten unwholesome courses of action: killing, stealing, sexual misconduct, telling lies, slandering, harsh speech, frivolous talk, covetousness, ill will, and wrong view"], (2) supporting you in doing good, [it means "encouraging you to do the ten courses of wholesome Kamma(= no-killing, no-stealing, no-sexual misconcduct, no-teling lies, no-slandering, no-harsh speech, no-frivolous talk or reasonable talk, no-covetousness, no-ill will, and right view), to give offerings, to take five precepts, and to practice meditation"], (3) informing you of what you do not know, and (4) pointing out the path to heaven.

4. The fourth good friend, who is sympathetic, has four characteristics: (1) not rejoicing at your misfortune, (2) rejoicing at your good fortune, (3) stopping others who speak against you, and (4) commending others who speak in praise of you.

The Buddha said, "You should cultivate and follow a friend who is endowed with seven characteristics: (1) genial, (2) venerable or respetable, (3) praise-worthy, (4) clever in speech, (5) obedient or willing to do what others bid, (6) profound in speech, and (7) not encouraging others to do evil."



In closing, I just want to remind myself and any others that I am not a perfect friend by any means. Surely there are people out there who have a long list of grievances against me and my shortcomings. Regardless, I hope that if I died today that people would remember me as not only a caring and compassionate friend, but a fun one as well.

I have no idea what the heck is going on with me and I feel so deserted right now, but I would sure love to make some better friends. I think I'm going to start working on that...starting with becoming a more desirable friend in the first place. I think all of us just want to hang out with people who want to be with us and we want to be with them. I am imagining that is what a good marriage is like, and I can't wait to achieve that someday. In the meantime, I'm not looking for a boyfriend but is it really too unrealistic to find close and quality friends?

Thanks for listening today.

Subconscious Thoughts and Hugs

It's been a few days and it's time for a post. I've really appreciated all of the other blogs that I have found and I really do draw inspiration from all of them.

Over the last few weeks, I have started thinking more and more about what I think about. In fact, it's made me realize how throughout my whole life my actions have been guided by my inner desires, without me recognizing it. It's affected where I choose to be, who I choose to be friends with, what I act like. Nearly everything.

In fact, this has been a scary realization because as I gain control over my thoughts, I ultimately gain more control over my actions. I mean, 2 years ago I might have become friends with a dude because I thought he was attractive and fun, and I wanted to be around him more. Suddenly I catch myself before my thoughts translate into action, especially when it is motivated by SSA, and I think, "okay, do I really want to carry through with this action (or behavior) because I am ONLY doing it out of innate desire for something.

Now, I'm not suggesting that there is something wrong with being driven by our innate desires, as long as we keep it in control. I mean, let's be realistic. EVERYONE deals with this problem. I overheard a group of dudes talking the other day, and one of them said, "Let's face it, I go to church not only because I believe in the church, but MOSTLY to see hot chicks. It's true."

At first, that statement might seem shocking and inappropriate, but I believe its true. If we think more about our thoughts we might be scared (as I have been) to realize how easily they translate into action, subconsciously.

I guess thinking about my thoughts has just complicated things a bit for me, but I think it's a positive step. I just have to now make a conscious decision to be guided by my SSA sometimes, whereas before I just was, and I was repressing it.

Finally, I added on this video on the Free Hugs campaign because I think it is really cool. For me, human touch is powerful, and I need it. The picture at the top of this blog is some Israeli soldiers embracing each other. I think the photo is really touching. When you realize how precious life is, that is when you really learn what matters to you personally. I really like hugs in general, especially hugging someone that I really care for. Also, I don't necessarily mean with guys, and I don't necessarily mean romantic hugs. I just like that feeling of knowing that someone is standing there with you, embracing you, and showing you in the nearly the most intimate way possible that they care about you. Isn't that what most of us want?

Stay tuned.